


Steve Actually Has A Dirty Mind

by StarCrossedKili



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Dirty Jokes, M/M, Short, Steve has a dirty mind
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-21
Updated: 2015-03-21
Packaged: 2018-03-18 21:13:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,239
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3584214
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/StarCrossedKili/pseuds/StarCrossedKili
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Tony teases Steve one too many times about his supposed purity. It's about time Steve set him straight.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Steve Actually Has A Dirty Mind

It was almost noon at the Avengers’ Tower. The previous day had proven to be uneventful, and it looked like this day would be equally dull. Almost everyone had lazily made their way to the dining area, but no one was really hungry. Steve pushed Natasha’s feet down from the table as he set out plates. Clint was already throwing bits of bread into Thor’s hair, wondering how long it would take the god to notice. Bruce sat with his eyes closed dozing off between mental calculations.  
There was a small commotion from the kitchen, startling the more relaxed members.  
“What’s the problem, Cap?” Natasha called through the door frame, flipping through the headlines of the morning paper.  
“Nothing, I’m just having some trouble with the toaster. The lever is stuck.” Steve grunted back.  
“Do you need help?” Clint offered, taking advantage of the distraction to shoot a particularly large bread crumb at Thor.  
“No, I’m having a hard time getting it up, but I’ll manage it.” Steve sighed.  
“You know there are pills for that, Cap’n.” Tony quipped upon entering. Steve turned round, taken aback.  
“It’s a sex thing.” Tony explained with an exaggerated emphasis. “I was implying that-“  
Steve interrupted him. “I got the joke, Stark. It wasn’t funny.”  
Tony raised his hands, defensively. “Alright! Just making sure! I wouldn’t want my quick wit to be lost on you because you’re a dinosaur.” He grabbed a slice of bread and slapped some cheese on it.  
“Tony, dirty jokes have been around far longer than you have. I’ve probably heard more in one army mission than you have in your life.” Steve gave up on the toaster and made his way back to the table.  
Tony raised an eyebrow. “You sure about that? I mean, Clint does live here.”  
Clint opened his mouth as if to protest, a glare from Natasha shut him up. They all had to endure Clint’s innuendo bingo whenever they had movie night, he couldn’t deny anything. Steve frowned but didn’t continue the conversation.  
“Has someone made coffee?” Tony questioned.

“I must apologize; in an attempt to prepare the morning beverage I apparently damaged the machine.” Thor admitted, sheepishly.   
“I made some tea, but it’s probably cold by now.” Bruce added in an attempt to be helpful.  
“No worries, big guy.” Tony shrugged. “I have at least seven coffee machines lying around the lab, I’ll dig one out.” With that he spun on his heels and started back to the lab. “JARVIS, get Dummy to find my coffee machine. And not one of the broken ones, or I’ll use his parts to fix it.”  
“I’ll send the command, sir.” JARVIS’ electronic voice echoed through a speaker.  
***  
Tony returned to the kitchen a minute later, which was a minute longer than he wanted to spend without coffee. As he sauntered back to the common area, he barely caught Clint jumping back to his chair, leaning back casually. Natasha was hiding a smile and Steve looked too innocent. They were planning something. He couldn’t be bothered to figure out what until he was eighty percent coffee, so that took precedent.   
“Hey Cap, have you seen this?” Natasha tossed the paper towards Steve. He skimmed the headline and glared.  
“I didn’t know it would make the papers.” Steve sighed, setting his plate on the table. “I was hoping for a quiet thing and then a PSA, but apparently the brand wants the publicity.”  
Bruce looked up from his tea. “What happened?”  
Steve slumped into his chair. “During my time on ice a cigarette company decided to use my image as a rebranding, something about ‘timeless classics’ or a slogan equally as awful. I’ve been battling to get my image back from a lot of companies lately, but these guys have been giving me a lot of trouble.”  
“Do you have a lawyer?” Clint asked, setting his chair back on all fours.  
“Fury assigned a team,” Steve explained, “But these guys want to make me a permanent spokesperson, so they aren’t going down easy.”  
Tony chuckled. “Why wouldn’t you want to? It’s more money, more publicity, and more reasons to wear your spangled pajamas.”  
Steve looked at him, stone-faced. “I don’t support smoking. No amount of money could persuade me to advertise it.”  
“I thought everyone smoked back then.” Tony shrugged, pouring himself a hot cup of coffee. “What, were you not cool enough?”  
“I was asthmatic for a good portion of my life, smoking never appealed to me…” Steve paused, glancing briefly at Clint before continuing. “Besides, if I wanted something long and dirty between my teeth I could always suck on Bucky’s fingers. It would usually end up with some heavy breathing, but not because of some god-awful smoke.”  
Tony almost choked on his drink. He snapped his attention to Steve, who looked unaffected. Tony could have sworn the tips of Cap’s ears were growing red, but it could have been a trick of the lights. Clint hid his face behind Natasha to stifle a laugh.  
“What?” Steve asked innocently, raising an eyebrow at the recovering Tony. “It’s a sex thing. I was implying that-“  
Clint couldn’t help it, he broke out laughing. “Tony, wipe that stupid look off of your face before I post it online.”  
Thor’s bellowing laughter joined his archer friend. “You do have quite the ridiculous expression.”  
“Hey,” Tony blinked, “That’s assault, Rogers. I could sue you for assaulting my brain or something. My mind is insured for fifty million dollars, and you just messed up my entire perception of reality.”  
“Oh sure, Tony Stark is allowed to make a rude remark, but I can’t?” Steve smirked.  
“No, America’s Golden Boy is not allowed to have anything but pure Christian thoughts.” Tony determined.  
“I’m Irish Catholic, Tony. Just a little different. And I would not be the Golden Boy if America saw some of the stuff I did during the war.” Steve went back to his sandwich, smiling slightly.  
“What, did Captain America have to get his hands a little bloody?” Clint asked, still giggling. “Have to choke anyone out with his bare hands?”  
Steve took the bait, the corner of his mouth turned up. “Well the blood was a given, I was expected to kill people. The few times I choked a guy didn’t end in his death, though. Bucky rather enjoyed it, if I remember correctly.”  
Tony’s eyes were wide with a mixture of shock and awe. His father never told stories about this side of Captain America. “Alright, who told our fearless leader to stoop to my level?” He glared accusingly at Clint, who was still shaking from his giggle fit. “If a reporter hears him talk like that, he’ll break America and it will be your fault.”  
“What!” Clint shouted, offended. “Don’t look at me! I supported it, but I didn’t suggest it!”  
“I’m sorry Tony, is this making you uncomfortable?” Natasha pouted, tilting her head sympathetically. “Is it not funny when you’re not the one making jokes?”  
“No.” Tony defended, sticking his tongue out for a second. A new voice broke the conversation.  
“Tony?” Pepper Potts called from somewhere in the building. “Are you here? You aren’t answering your phone!”  
“I’m coming, Pep!” Tony shouted into the hallway. He heard Steve take a breath and snapped towards him. “Not a word, you overgrown Popsicle.”  
Steve smirked. “Guess you don’t have to worry about your wit after all.”

**Author's Note:**

> Steve's religion is a personal head cannon, though I know it's been discussed.  
> This was meant to be short, it's the writing equivalent of dipping my toes in the water. If there were any formatting errors or glaring problems, please let me know!  
> Thank you for taking the time to read it!


End file.
